I rubbed the area behind my ears that was sore from this headband I wore with red feathers on top. I sat with friends, sharing overpriced beers under the warmth of the afternoon sun, the first sunny day we had had all summer, and listened as Jenny Lewis performed in the park.
And I’m in love with illusions, so saw me in half,
I’m in love with tricks, so pull another rabbit out your hat”
Went the lyrics, …the very ironic lyrics.I’m in love with tricks, so pull another rabbit out your hat”
And the more I focus on the things about you that make you
unique to me: your accent that was so new and intellectual sounding, your questioning
ideas and thoughts about life, your enthusiastic and youthful approach to life
(at least that summer), your open mind….
I’m seeing all of these things, and I’m thinking “Wait, I
USED to think like that”…what happened? Why did I let everyone around me
condition me to think that I have to THINK a certain way? A way that doesn’t
feel right. And why have I NEVER been
around another person like this one? A person who thinks all the things that
make sense….and doesn’t seem to be affected by what other people tell him to
think or not to think. And he’s not afraid to disagree. And he does it well! My
mind is a little bit blown and pissed off with itself.
And then there was the physical chemistry. The once in a lifetime, blow me away, set on
fire, physical chemistry.
So, as I thought more and more about all of these things, the structure was being made bigger and higher, you on top, rocketing toward the sky. And I watched this happening in blissful amazement as that original inner turmoil, the stress, the anxiety dissolved. My mind had been freed by being exposed to yours. Then there was the absent period. And everyone knows what happens with absence.
It grew, higher and higher like the beanstalk from the fairytale. You must have looked like a tiny spec from down where I stood.
Finally, the stars (and I do mean the stars) crossed once
again. And the way it happened forced that damned thing to grow even more. I should have known it was impossible when I couldn't even see you anymore from where I stood. But hope is a beautifully brutal thing, isn't it? It wasn’t really my fault that everything
got so ridiculously blown out of proportion. I mean, come on, Valentine's Day isn't my style. But I think with a love that big,
for me, it was inevitable. Sometimes I do wish I could go back and do it again. With the brain I have now, I mean. Just to see what would happen.
(This is where things gets sparse as I prefer to glaze
over this part)
Even worse, the cruelty of truth….and trying for so long to
understand. To make some sense of it. To convince myself that…
Realizing that I don’t need to convince myself of anything,
but just to get rid of the pain
And time...and silence...And more time...
And less pain, but sometimes pain
And more time...And someone else, and even less pain
And as all things do with neglect, that structure has finally decayed, and you have fallen right
through it. Leaving me standing, staring at an empty space. As with any disaster, there are of course ruins. And yours is a permanent imprint on my heart. An explosion that left everything inside of me burned, except a positive shadow where you once stood. Always positive.
But every now and then, on a night that doesn’t feel
particularly special, I’ll spend a little extra time in front of the mirror,
making sure my hair is just perfect. Just in case I run into someone that I can’t
stand in the first few seconds of meeting him.
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